Hah!!!
Sitting here in front of your social network page...Staring at your DP....With something like heart shapes in front of my Brawny eyes....Singing along to the new tune in B-Wood...I Love You....tu ru ru ru....
Nothing has changed ain't it? You bet so...
8 years ago, I was in my teens and went ga ga over you...
8 years down the line, I am in my late 20's and still going ga ga over you...
Where have I changed a bit? Why haven't I changed...So many things passed by....So many years, seasons, people...gosh.......and I am there where I was 8 years back...
Just 3 months back when we stopped talking....first you wanted to end it...and then I re-inforced that we should rather stop talking...for the greater good...ahh...
I have suffered a lot all over these years......People had scorned me, laughed at me, made fun of me, at times sympathised with me.....I had taken it all...Just for You....I loved to stay in that pain only because that pain connected me to you....but in the last 3 months I have hated you..believe me..to the best of my capabilities..."You never took me as your closest friend", "I was just a time-pass", " He gave a damn for me"....blah blah n blah
Did it give me relief? Yes it did...But you know why? coz now when am cut-off from you...Hating you gave me a good excuse to talk and think about you....and talking of the pain of separating from you......If possible just try piercing 10 needles on your skin....multiply that with million and then with the number of minutes each day....you will know my pain....
But still on my b'day, I was waiting for your text/call at 12am...You didn't....and then finally at 1.30pm in the night...your text beeps....I was not sure about what emotions I had that time...was I overwhelmed, happy, sad or furious...May be all of them together....How could you not wish me at 12.......was I so distant now?
Anyways....and then I heard something from someone.......I re-iterated the entire 3 month Love-Hate saga and all the pain that I had somehow hid, came back.....
I wanted to hug you and cry.......but how?? and as always I sunk in silent tears hiding it from everyone....as always ...hmph....
And then, you started our story once again....you pinged me..and I pinged you back...sometimes you started and sometimes me......I din know why you came back after 3 months...and I din have to guess why I replied back to you.....
Why do we always get back together I don't know...but I cannot claim we are meant to be together...cannot claim that even you have loved me...How can I? The strings of my life are in your hands....If you say Yes, its a yes...and if you end it all, I end right there...........
But now, I have decided I don't want to be your friend anymore...
Someone told me "You have become his friend to your core...You know why?? Just because He wanted you to be His friend..not a lover...just a friend....so you became....Have you ever asked your heart what it wants?? Have you thought that is this friendship the only thing you want from him? Do you wish to remain a door-mat for him your entire life?"
I had no answer...coz I realised it was true...I just wanted him to be in my life somehow....may be being his door-mat(read friend) will suffice that...atleast I remain close to him that way....and I condemned my heart.....and dumped it at the trash grounds....
I have changed over the past 8 years from a stalker to a friend to a buddy and then suddenly to a stranger...and in the past 3 months....a stranger, an acquaintance to a friend....
What next? Should I become your buddy once again..Bring back those days of us, our gang, our hangouts..?? Believe me, I would want to...anything to be near you...
But NO!!
Till now I was unknown to my own heart...only cared for yours...Now its the turn of my Heart....and I am gonna listen to it!! (However much pain it might cause, coz I have seen the heights of pain, the pain of being alienated from you)
Believe me.....I have changed and this time for the greater good!!!!
Sep 6, 2011
Mar 29, 2011
Valentine's Day
Its a fascination in today's youth.....A day when Archies and Florists profit much more than the young lover's....
Profit...When two people in love gift each other its a no-profit, no-gain situation....When a prospective lover gifts and the interest reverts with a "Yes", its definitely a profit....and when its a "No"....Its definitely a no-profit, but a much bigger loss to the Loser....
I remember...the first time I realized a Valentine's Day...14th Feb...Cute February...2003...I was in my Engineering first year......
It all began a week back on Rose Day(Feb 7th, another profit making day for the florist's and the giftshop's)....
I was a total not-to-be-wanted, not-to-be-noticed kinda.......And being the biggest pea-brained on earth....fell in love with I guess the most handsome guy of my batch...Atleast he was the most handsome to me...
I went to college and as usual no one noticed me.....I was just stealing some glances towards my heart throb...who again as expected didn't notice me...
I prayed repeatedly to God..."Please God, ask him to gift me a rose"...
Holy Shit!! Someone should have slapped me across my face and got me back to reality.....
He didn't....and I was upset(God knows why) when I returned back to hostel....More so when later in the evening, girls flaunted there Oh-so-happening day.....the bouquets and chocolates and bla bla bla....
So, one week later when it was the D-day......of proposals, acceptances, gifts and rejections....Although it was a week day, nobody was there in hostel since morning...It seems they were all already out on a date.....
I went and sat alone on my desk...The class was nearly empty and I was pretty embarrassed thinking that I was one of the girls, whom no one has asked out for today....
But what did I see?? It was him...Handsome, Stylish as ever, Red with all the running around he was upto.....He was there...In Class.....
I thanked God probably a million times...."Thanks God...that he did not go for a date","that means, he is not engaged","that means he is not in love with any other girl","He is available and I am going to grab the chance"...
Oh here I din mention that the previous evening I went to Music World and bought a Love Songs Cassette(ya, in those days we had music cassettes which are rather invisible these days) him...Thought I would give this to him and probably would speak out my mind to him...
I grabbed that cassette wrapped in a gift wrapping in my bag and was planning to take it out....
Just then something hit me on the foot below my desk....
I lowered to see what it was and found a ball......I was in shocking realisation that it was the ball he was playing with sometime back, in our empty classroom....As I picked up the ball with shaking hands and sat straight again, I saw, much to my horror, that he was standing in front of my desk, hands extended towards me....The magical smile on his face........
My heart started pounding against my chest....It wanted to jump out...I could not hear or see anything......All voices, sounds, vision became blurred and the entire world stopped rotating.....It was Temporary Paralysis.....Dunno what would it be called in Medical Terms?? :P
Did he notice that I was blushing beyond limits?? Oh!! How would he? Would blushes be visible on a dark wheatish skin?? Never mind.....
So, he spoke to me, the very first time, "Thats my ball....Would you give it to me?"
I was mesmerised...His voice sounded like 100 wind-chimes blown by mild air, so magical, ethereal.........
and his smile...doesn't he know that it can straight away murder people?
I somehow managed to grab myself.....Just managed to throw the ball at him.....
"Thanks", he said...and went away, not looking back.....thankfully or he would have caught me in the act of hyper-ventilation.....If someone could have connected a heart monitor to mine....It would have surely bursted giving away to the high peaks in my HB rate......
So that was the end of it...My gift remained in my bag...College was declared off at 11am....I came and sat in the college-bus....Crying.....Don't know why....I didn't want to leave him and go...What would I do at hostel where all my friends were off with their new BF's.....I never hated hostel as much as I did then......coz I din like the place where he was not there....
.........And that was it...My first Valentine's Day......Started with high anticipation and ended with tears..
Although not much difference even now.....Its almost the same....Still not found my Valentine.....Still sigh seeing Archies gallery passing by or all those Lovey Dovey couples on the road.....Only difference is that I do not have enough tears to shed.....
Profit...When two people in love gift each other its a no-profit, no-gain situation....When a prospective lover gifts and the interest reverts with a "Yes", its definitely a profit....and when its a "No"....Its definitely a no-profit, but a much bigger loss to the Loser....
I remember...the first time I realized a Valentine's Day...14th Feb...Cute February...2003...I was in my Engineering first year......
It all began a week back on Rose Day(Feb 7th, another profit making day for the florist's and the giftshop's)....
I was a total not-to-be-wanted, not-to-be-noticed kinda.......And being the biggest pea-brained on earth....fell in love with I guess the most handsome guy of my batch...Atleast he was the most handsome to me...
I went to college and as usual no one noticed me.....I was just stealing some glances towards my heart throb...who again as expected didn't notice me...
I prayed repeatedly to God..."Please God, ask him to gift me a rose"...
Holy Shit!! Someone should have slapped me across my face and got me back to reality.....
He didn't....and I was upset(God knows why) when I returned back to hostel....More so when later in the evening, girls flaunted there Oh-so-happening day.....the bouquets and chocolates and bla bla bla....
So, one week later when it was the D-day......of proposals, acceptances, gifts and rejections....Although it was a week day, nobody was there in hostel since morning...It seems they were all already out on a date.....
I went and sat alone on my desk...The class was nearly empty and I was pretty embarrassed thinking that I was one of the girls, whom no one has asked out for today....
But what did I see?? It was him...Handsome, Stylish as ever, Red with all the running around he was upto.....He was there...In Class.....
I thanked God probably a million times...."Thanks God...that he did not go for a date","that means, he is not engaged","that means he is not in love with any other girl","He is available and I am going to grab the chance"...
Oh here I din mention that the previous evening I went to Music World and bought a Love Songs Cassette(ya, in those days we had music cassettes which are rather invisible these days) him...Thought I would give this to him and probably would speak out my mind to him...
I grabbed that cassette wrapped in a gift wrapping in my bag and was planning to take it out....
Just then something hit me on the foot below my desk....
I lowered to see what it was and found a ball......I was in shocking realisation that it was the ball he was playing with sometime back, in our empty classroom....As I picked up the ball with shaking hands and sat straight again, I saw, much to my horror, that he was standing in front of my desk, hands extended towards me....The magical smile on his face........
My heart started pounding against my chest....It wanted to jump out...I could not hear or see anything......All voices, sounds, vision became blurred and the entire world stopped rotating.....It was Temporary Paralysis.....Dunno what would it be called in Medical Terms?? :P
Did he notice that I was blushing beyond limits?? Oh!! How would he? Would blushes be visible on a dark wheatish skin?? Never mind.....
So, he spoke to me, the very first time, "Thats my ball....Would you give it to me?"
I was mesmerised...His voice sounded like 100 wind-chimes blown by mild air, so magical, ethereal.........
and his smile...doesn't he know that it can straight away murder people?
I somehow managed to grab myself.....Just managed to throw the ball at him.....
"Thanks", he said...and went away, not looking back.....thankfully or he would have caught me in the act of hyper-ventilation.....If someone could have connected a heart monitor to mine....It would have surely bursted giving away to the high peaks in my HB rate......
So that was the end of it...My gift remained in my bag...College was declared off at 11am....I came and sat in the college-bus....Crying.....Don't know why....I didn't want to leave him and go...What would I do at hostel where all my friends were off with their new BF's.....I never hated hostel as much as I did then......coz I din like the place where he was not there....
.........And that was it...My first Valentine's Day......Started with high anticipation and ended with tears..
Although not much difference even now.....Its almost the same....Still not found my Valentine.....Still sigh seeing Archies gallery passing by or all those Lovey Dovey couples on the road.....Only difference is that I do not have enough tears to shed.....
Mar 4, 2011
Rain Rain.........Ease my Pain.....
"Won't you come out here?....Its drizzling"...I said dancing in the first showers of the monsoon.
He smiled...the crooked smile which drove me to the craziest points.......
It was in front of the much crowded, yet empty due to the rain, Forum mall.
I went on dancing in the drizzles, feeling his eyes on me.....which ran shivers in my veins....But didn't have much guts to touch him then....since it would have set me on fire.....
Much later when I reached home and was talking to him over phone, which was almost like routine, I asked him "Don't you like rains?". He said "I do." "Then why didn't you come on when I called you that time?". He said, and I could feel his crooked smile "The ball was in your court". I sighed, probably reading much more in between the lines than was required.
Switch....3 years later....
I stand still.........Its raining.......My legs don't move enough for a step...leave alone dancing.....I see the empty road spread in front of my apartment......I want to hear the soft footstep, want to see the crooked smile....But he is nowhere......
The rains does no good to me.......It only opens the wound....open to the salty rain...open enough so that the pain lingers long after the rain dries up from the earth leaving only trails beneath my searching eyes......
He smiled...the crooked smile which drove me to the craziest points.......
It was in front of the much crowded, yet empty due to the rain, Forum mall.
I went on dancing in the drizzles, feeling his eyes on me.....which ran shivers in my veins....But didn't have much guts to touch him then....since it would have set me on fire.....
Much later when I reached home and was talking to him over phone, which was almost like routine, I asked him "Don't you like rains?". He said "I do." "Then why didn't you come on when I called you that time?". He said, and I could feel his crooked smile "The ball was in your court". I sighed, probably reading much more in between the lines than was required.
Switch....3 years later....
I stand still.........Its raining.......My legs don't move enough for a step...leave alone dancing.....I see the empty road spread in front of my apartment......I want to hear the soft footstep, want to see the crooked smile....But he is nowhere......
The rains does no good to me.......It only opens the wound....open to the salty rain...open enough so that the pain lingers long after the rain dries up from the earth leaving only trails beneath my searching eyes......
Feb 27, 2011
What Part of Forever!!
Time's passing by and so is my life line coming nearer to the finale!!
When most of my peers have happily found out their better or the other halves, I am still sunk in deep waters frantically searching for the one!!
Its not that I have not been in Love.....
Love...Might be quite not a term which would be defined by me...for I believe, had I been in it in real, I would not have suffered this state of permanant grief...A grief which suddeny pops out of nowhere and shatters me to the core.....
Whats love? Whats the feeling of belonging to someone? Whats the feeling of being complete? How is it to be in love?
Is it only pain that the romantics seek, is it the physical satisfaction or the morale support....No guesses from me....Had I been in love, why would I have been deserted, why would I be sitting alone tonight and writing this.....(sigh)....
I am 26 now....how long will it take for me to be 27, 28,29,......will love cross my path by then? How much time would I have on hand to spend with him?....if not eternity lies ahead?
Had been reading the ever so romantic and hyped Human-Vampire love story series "The Twilight Saga".........Is love found in inhuman conditions too? Like some vampire....
However imposible and maddening it might seem, my longing for love...my desperation has come to a stage where I would even take a Vampire for a lover...want to be "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love....Want him to love me back equally strong...untill eternity, for forever.........
Tonight, when am typing this post...a pray goes out to anyone sitting above.....Bring me closer to death if death is being with him....bring me close to my eternal love....may be in a vampire :))
When most of my peers have happily found out their better or the other halves, I am still sunk in deep waters frantically searching for the one!!
Its not that I have not been in Love.....
Love...Might be quite not a term which would be defined by me...for I believe, had I been in it in real, I would not have suffered this state of permanant grief...A grief which suddeny pops out of nowhere and shatters me to the core.....
Whats love? Whats the feeling of belonging to someone? Whats the feeling of being complete? How is it to be in love?
Is it only pain that the romantics seek, is it the physical satisfaction or the morale support....No guesses from me....Had I been in love, why would I have been deserted, why would I be sitting alone tonight and writing this.....(sigh)....
I am 26 now....how long will it take for me to be 27, 28,29,......will love cross my path by then? How much time would I have on hand to spend with him?....if not eternity lies ahead?
Had been reading the ever so romantic and hyped Human-Vampire love story series "The Twilight Saga".........Is love found in inhuman conditions too? Like some vampire....
However imposible and maddening it might seem, my longing for love...my desperation has come to a stage where I would even take a Vampire for a lover...want to be "unconditionally and irrevocably" in love....Want him to love me back equally strong...untill eternity, for forever.........
Tonight, when am typing this post...a pray goes out to anyone sitting above.....Bring me closer to death if death is being with him....bring me close to my eternal love....may be in a vampire :))
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