Hah!!!
Sitting here in front of your social network page...Staring at your DP....With something like heart shapes in front of my Brawny eyes....Singing along to the new tune in B-Wood...I Love You....tu ru ru ru....
Nothing has changed ain't it? You bet so...
8 years ago, I was in my teens and went ga ga over you...
8 years down the line, I am in my late 20's and still going ga ga over you...
Where have I changed a bit? Why haven't I changed...So many things passed by....So many years, seasons, people...gosh.......and I am there where I was 8 years back...
Just 3 months back when we stopped talking....first you wanted to end it...and then I re-inforced that we should rather stop talking...for the greater good...ahh...
I have suffered a lot all over these years......People had scorned me, laughed at me, made fun of me, at times sympathised with me.....I had taken it all...Just for You....I loved to stay in that pain only because that pain connected me to you....but in the last 3 months I have hated you..believe me..to the best of my capabilities..."You never took me as your closest friend", "I was just a time-pass", " He gave a damn for me"....blah blah n blah
Did it give me relief? Yes it did...But you know why? coz now when am cut-off from you...Hating you gave me a good excuse to talk and think about you....and talking of the pain of separating from you......If possible just try piercing 10 needles on your skin....multiply that with million and then with the number of minutes each day....you will know my pain....
But still on my b'day, I was waiting for your text/call at 12am...You didn't....and then finally at 1.30pm in the night...your text beeps....I was not sure about what emotions I had that time...was I overwhelmed, happy, sad or furious...May be all of them together....How could you not wish me at 12.......was I so distant now?
Anyways....and then I heard something from someone.......I re-iterated the entire 3 month Love-Hate saga and all the pain that I had somehow hid, came back.....
I wanted to hug you and cry.......but how?? and as always I sunk in silent tears hiding it from everyone....as always ...hmph....
And then, you started our story once again....you pinged me..and I pinged you back...sometimes you started and sometimes me......I din know why you came back after 3 months...and I din have to guess why I replied back to you.....
Why do we always get back together I don't know...but I cannot claim we are meant to be together...cannot claim that even you have loved me...How can I? The strings of my life are in your hands....If you say Yes, its a yes...and if you end it all, I end right there...........
But now, I have decided I don't want to be your friend anymore...
Someone told me "You have become his friend to your core...You know why?? Just because He wanted you to be His friend..not a lover...just a friend....so you became....Have you ever asked your heart what it wants?? Have you thought that is this friendship the only thing you want from him? Do you wish to remain a door-mat for him your entire life?"
I had no answer...coz I realised it was true...I just wanted him to be in my life somehow....may be being his door-mat(read friend) will suffice that...atleast I remain close to him that way....and I condemned my heart.....and dumped it at the trash grounds....
I have changed over the past 8 years from a stalker to a friend to a buddy and then suddenly to a stranger...and in the past 3 months....a stranger, an acquaintance to a friend....
What next? Should I become your buddy once again..Bring back those days of us, our gang, our hangouts..?? Believe me, I would want to...anything to be near you...
But NO!!
Till now I was unknown to my own heart...only cared for yours...Now its the turn of my Heart....and I am gonna listen to it!! (However much pain it might cause, coz I have seen the heights of pain, the pain of being alienated from you)
Believe me.....I have changed and this time for the greater good!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment