Isolation

I am not a person to remain isolated for long......
I seek to that lonely corner when I feel I need some space...But it seems the space is growing....
I am getting engulfed in it!!
Anyone to ask for help?? No.....I don't have...

Always felt that only mad people require help from psychologists.....
Thnking of that...atleast those psycotics in our society get to kill someone or hurt someone through which they grab attention or seek solace....
Unfortunately, I am too educated to do all those...So much so that I can't even hurt myself........
Many a times, I feel like drinking that bottle of phenol, or may be cut my veins, or hang from the fan...will not lie....I tried...But I do not have the guts to go through it.....I am too scared of dying.....
I felt like dying when my first love laughed on my looks...I felt like dying when my 2nd love got married....I felt like dying hen my father died....I felt like dying each moment when I could not carry out my responsibilities......
People around me ask.....where do u spend money....I lie...For this n that....they sympathise with me....
Call up my mom and she'll tell you that our family is running on my Sis's salary.....I have failed all of them.......
I feel death is the only solution for me.....I dont know where I am falling short...
Why dont I lose some weight and gain him back.....Why don't I work harder? It seems to me that I am doing my best....
If so, why I am left behind.....
He left me...may be for he good...Mom says I am manglik...In hindu shashtra, being manglik means you harm anyone you come close to........may be thats why everyone is taken away from me...may be I am not what they deserve.......
In all, nobody wants me.......you know redundancy? I am redundant...In my own life...I am redundant........
I still remember my dad saying...that I didn't save anything.....But I saved dad....wherelse those 2 lakhs came from when you died.......??
Mom calls up and she would say ...our family is running on Sumi's salary.....everyday....she tells this to everyone...maid,family, friends,to me...........then who pays those chunkamounts of 45K and 30K whenevr you need...?? WHo paid the 20K in one night when you ordered a fridge w/o notice.......
I am not defending myself.........THese are my perspectives....I do not know what I am doing on this earth.........I really don't understand my need.....
I do not have friends who cannot pass a single day w/o me...I do not have a family who'ld miss me because I am not there...I do not have a lover who would stand by me through ......

What am I fucking doing on thus earth.....I wanna die..........e very moment I pray for death...every moment I pray that God that instead of killing those innocent ppl, kill me......
I am of no use..........I am just a living blob on this earth........No value, no meaning of my low life....

My mom searches a groom for me.....I know even he won't love me ever....I would be a mattress a furniture in his house...of no use....I dont have any credibility.........I am irresponsible.....I am characterless........I am a whore..........I am a blood fucker....a non sense....In ofc too I dont have a value...even my juniors are better than me......no one respects me...no one loves me.....no one gives a damn for me......

I dont know what else should I write that God feels tat I am utter waste and he should soon let me burn in hell.........I wanna burn n rot in hell...for being such a disaster in the human species.....
Good that all my friends deserted me, good those guys didn't love me back.....good that I am redundant for my family.....I really wanna kill myself soon.....Just need the right courage....
Enough of torturing people around me.....I just wanna sleep and let destiny take its course....kill me right in my bed....i wanna wake up in hell.......I deserve that and that only.....